for christmas you can get me...

A BABY!

I'm having serious baby envy. I really want one, but not a real one. I want one for 3 hours a day, so I can feed it pickles and honey nut cheerios, and show people that I have a baby, and have them envy my baby and its pursed pickle-lips. I'm going to go to all babysitting jobs in the future with a jar of pickles, and take obnoxious videos to creepily savor later.
I also want to dress my baby in onesies and cute dresses/overalls. It will have little baby curls, and it will giggle at the squirrels eating trash, and the birds bathing in dirt. It will also fall asleep spontaneously without getting cranky first. A narcoleptic baby would probably be best.